ABOUT

FASHION - EDIBLE ART - EPHEMERA - OBJET D’ART - PSYCHOANALYTICAL MATERIALISATIONS

Kia Ora! My name is Alexandra Murcott and I am a New Zealand artist who calls New York, USA; home. MoenaMoxham.com showcases highlights of my life filled with high octane to deliver excellence in all that I invest. Thank you for taking a geeze through the interesting things I create on the journey towards self love and acceptance. I hope this experience is thought provoking and enlightening.

I create fine art, textiles & fabrics, fashion collections, paintings + drawings, edible art, bronze, glass and mixed media objet d’ art.

“So, Mrs… What do you do”.. I hear you ask. Err well, let me think… What do I do??! .. I can doooo many things, but what does that make me? Who am I, what kind of artist am I? Are they connected, a collection, a process? Are my creations valuable or frivolous? What is creativity and does it need to be justified? Well… lets see- this is where I have got to…

DISCLAIMER: This ‘About’ page is not succinct and it is by all intentional purposes self indulgent and convoluted. It at times it jumps around between topics and drifts into funkiness. It is a reflection of me and how I think. If you desire a neat and tidy short wee blurb, you may want to stop here. Make yourself a cup of tea and move onto something else scintillating like folding your smalls or hunting out some chocolate. If you choose to proceed, good luck to you- I am in admiration, you may be becoming a dinosaur- a rare being who wants to seek for ideas rather than be shown them. I hold no liability to what level of betwixed-ness you come out in at the bottom of the page, but I do hope it is a squiggly higgildepigidly one that perhaps made you question things a little, gave you insight into the mind of an artist, and where you may have had a snort of delight in the process.

Sooooo here we go… energy, mortality, sacrifice, ecstasy, pain, gender representation, legacy, sex, balance, pleasure, frustration, beauty, inner-work, purpose, value, self doubt, courage…. the yin and yang of emotional experiences; juxtapositions, sincerity & deceit, grace, identity, personal representation, the consequences of choice; peaks and troughs, loneliness, the repetition of patterns of behavior. Dreams, our mind, aesthetics, passion, science, love and parallels… LIFE: we are all on it, and it is wild, dynamic and at times unnervingly tumultuous. What you see here on this website are the physical manifestations of riding through, over, and at times, below these undulations and how I help myself cope and heal from the choices and decisions I have made in my time on Earth.

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But let’s rewind a bit, I am a New Zealander; a Kiwi, a mongrel of many ethnicities, an immigrant in my home country, an immigrant in my new one (USA); an only child with a soul filled with wanderlust. I come from a lineage of science + arty brains - a maverick internationally respected surgeon, a farmer who invented new ways of doing things and fought to protect a petrified forrest from Taupo erupting which was buried under his farm, a wildcard missionary who adventured into mainland China to spread his messages, a unique strategic planner & cartographer & go-getting women; gold miners, a fabulous milliner, an art history expert, entrepreneurs, a PanAm air hostess from the glory days of aviation, motorcyclists & a Bugatti racing driver who also raced a Triumph motorbike in the 1920’s - yep, dem dames were WILD women! I was encouraged as a young sprout to develop academically + explore feminine crafts & arts while pursuing knowledge in activities that were traditionally perceived as male pursuits and pastimes. Hooooowever, I did not have tremendous guidance in how to develop as a woman; to revel in the grace of the Divine Feminine or to understand the subtle but profound power of femininity. What you see in this portfolio are my creations through this journey and how I explored the world to find guidance from other amazing souls who showed me how to accept and love all my energies irrespective of gender or labels.

New Zealand is a unique cultural mixing-pot located East of Australia, just up from Antartica, in the South Pacific - nope it’s not in Europe (yes, sounds like that innit)… or ‘that little island’ down from Australia thank you.. that’s Tasmania. As a culture, we are ingenious, innovative thinkers & do’ers who have a deep seated pride towards what is described as ‘our little piece of paradise’. To survive the New Zealand climate (both atmospheric and psychological) on our little islands is an accomplishment in itself and something that I don’t think I fully grasped exactly how much has shaped me, until I lived in other less challenging conditions.

In the early 2000’s there was a humping international music scene that came with the film industry developing. 24 hour clubs and parties were headlined by famous DJ’s and musicians who would finish their world tours in ol’ exotic NZ before flying back to home.. well up until the government made clubs close at 10pm or have to jump through hoops to get a special license to stay open to 3am. I was in the right place and right time- my 20’s were wild, vibrant and humming. There was turning point at right about then when the powers that were, including my family, started to get nervous about people being people and risk became something that had to be controlled and/or eradicated. Ironically it coincided with Aotearoa becoming recognized as the adventure capital of the world. You could bungy jump, white water raft, snowboard & ski on volcanos, hike in remoteness, motorbike on beautiful windy roads, bathe in geothermal pools, experience Māori culture, indulge in local indigenous art & cutting edge fashion, or hunt deer from helicopters within the landscapes of ‘Lord of The Rings’. Our ingenious can do attitude, and friendliness was world renowned, and it truly was the remote land of milk & honey.

Sadly a perfect storm was brewing. The introduction of the internet, coupled with a relatively small, compliant and isolated population & other factors led to the virus of Tall Poppy Syndrome spreading its destructive influence. There was a spike in over-legislation, a fear of letting people be people & move about freely to do so (zero accident policies.. like wtf? How do God(s) get messages through that you’ve fucked up otherwise??), and bureaucratic intervention into pretty much everything- the speed limits on roads (now being lowered), the food we could eat (a lot of what we grow/ make/ harvest is sent offshore.. for example, I’ve eaten more Zespri around the world than ever at home where we largely have access to imported Italian kiwifruit, no, there isn’t a huge amount of seafood restaurants, and yes, NZ lamb- its delightful but will take a chunk of change out of your food budget). Although Tall Poppy Syndrome existed culturally prior to the internet, it was exacerbated by being able to see what the rest of the world was up to, but NZ doesn’t have the culture, belief systems or unity to positively achieve this on a large scale. Stunted wages, communist theology, general economic repression, cultural division & an underlying mesogonistic (yes, yes, first people to give women the vote.. but actually to LIVE here, you might be surprised) & nepotistic structure to jobs & industry, a lack of cohesive spiritual acceptance + let’s pull out into the sunlight horrendous suicide, child incest & domestic violence rates (and that’s women to men too)… yeah you don’t hear about that now do you- go Google; you’ll be shocked.

There are terrible statistics for our indigenous Māori peoples; a good proportion subjected to living on or below the poverty line by leaders inflicting intellectual superiority upon less educated by over legislating freedoms and growth. Lets also add in the corrupt government more concerned with paying for advertising campaigns to falsely promote Aotearoa as a utopia with a perfect population than addressing these horrendous rates of mental health, child poverty & societal abuse; all while whoreing tourism and not protecting Aoteoroa for those that should enjoy it - the people of the land; New Zealanders at large.. (Phillipino, Malaysian, Māori, Thai, British, Dutch…and every denomination and ethnic group you can imagine in-between). I love my country, but my soul feels NZ’s sickness, (and I would argue there are pockets that are much sicker than others- Wellington, you would be top of my list). A misdirected, fractured & divided multicultural nation which is being taken advantage of; being used as testing ground for fandagled ideas (city camera’s with smell detection.. Waihōpai station, even the push to get rid of cash…), and generally having their basic human rights exploited + manipulated by powers in play while being suppressed by intimidating & insidious fear tactics.

Tall Poppy Syndrome is hard thing to explain to outsiders. Recently I was chatting to a young NZ friend of mine in NYC; we were talking about conversational power play, and how this compares to the US and other places. Kiwi’s like to jib each other in conversation- there is a tendency to throw out veiled compliments and the nature of the conversation is to try and one up each other with a bigger slag off eg: “you look great tonight.. if you are dressed up to be auctioned off!.'“ You get built up, but then instantly slammed down. Now, people would argue- it’s a good natured jibe! But I think it’s much more insidious than that. Culturally we accept stealing someone eles’s power in a negative way; there is a looser and a winner in interactions and even though these may seem ‘not important’ or given in jest, these comments, this type of interaction eats away at one over time. It wears you down and at night, or when you feel fragile and vulnerable, these comments come back and become prominent in your thoughts within distorted impressions. This starts young and is prevalent through to elderly, and where is may be found in a conversation, it’s also found in relationships, business dealings, driving (yes, someone might give you the thumbs up that they like your car, but they aint letting you in on the motorway merger) and the collective conscious in how the community interacts.

There are four main forms of stealing power, or dominating someones power in an interaction. Intimidation, aggression, woe-is-me or aloof. In all my travels, I have not immersed myself in a culture which uses these as liberally and intensely as New Zealand on each other. The UK was similar, and even Canada had similarities, Japan has ijime which is a very dangerous type of bullying which I felt was akin, yet I would argue that this is understood in a much better way than young New Zealand. It’s not a coincidence that New Zealand and Japan have the highest suicide rates in the world along with Finland and Korea. The USA (and I’m in New York to be specific) in comparison is buoyant and playful- people are excited to interact and enjoy hearing about ideas and thoughts on new projects; they celebrate success, conversationally; spiritually, people are attuned to want to build another up, allow people to strive to express themselves and there is an active push to help each other find resources to build the things we have the guts to dream of and are ambitious for.

I got very tired of being labeled an ‘over achiever’ in New Zealand like it was akin to something horrible that you definitely don’t want to contract; having snide comments said to me in passing about the way I look and having the projects I was working on sabotaged or repressed because other people felt intimidated by what I was creating. But, what I find much scarier about this epidemic is that it conditions you to accept toxic negative behavior, and that can take a long time to unwind out of. New Zealanders are being conditioned to be compliant and reactive to assertiveness and this is really not healthy… because in order to design a different path, one is going to need a healthy dose of exactly those traits. I feel that the community in NZ is being mollycoddled into thinking that making your dreams happen somehow comes about without having to stick your head on the block for them, or that someone is going to give you a guiding hand. It simply doesn’t work like that, if you want something you have to fight for it from your ideas, but when you live in a place where fighting for what you want is dangerous and incites jealousy and rage in other people, you’re going to end up either thinking there is something deeply wrong with yourself, or you are going to have to get out. I succumbed for a long time into the first, so far that I too was nearly one of NZ’s deadly statistics.

Aotearoa I love you, deeply. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. Battling Welly wind (regular 120km wind patterns), and wonderful dramatic weather gave me a resilience to life & what it throws you in general (while teaching me to become symbiotic with Mother Nature and her wildness rather than push against her!). The liberal side of our community let me inquire into my creative personality while I had access to hiking and snowboarding volcanoes (need I say more?), Māori, Pacific & Asian cultures, diverse food & religions. I grew up with whales and water spouts visiting Wellington harbor, swimming with the stingrays in the shallows of Oriental Bay in the warm summer evenings, the Southern Lights and meteor showers from crystal clear skies, cow tipping (if you know, you know lol), vintage car and motorbike culture, and I was able to be let loose in the beautiful geography to explore and have fun without the pressures of big city intensities, health insurance and privatized health care, and the race of a lot of people doing a lot of things. Even my family + communities risk aversion made me question my values and desires, and the crazy cost of living ( I do warn you, it is incredibly expensive; personally by far the most expensive place I have lived and worked and that includes London, Tokyo and New York.. ) carved my tenacity towards making my goals happen. Comparatively, you can be relatively penurious on a world scale and get a lot done if you are resourceful in NZ but it is taxing and stressful fighting the hiked cost of utilities, food, amenities and the delays in getting anything in and out. New Zealand is beautiful, New Zealander’s are beautiful & unique, it makes me very upset to see what is happening to such a special place and community.

People from other countries think that NZ is a utopia and ideal place to live- and look, it may be yours, these are my impressions through my personal experiences; another’s can be totally contrasting from a squllion different factors. I definitely think if you are considering a trip to visit, by all means, doooo ittttttt! Every single community on the planet has issues and hidden social nuances which only become apparent after time, and it wasn’t meant to be my place to thrive. But I think a little more honesty is needed about what is going on at home.. I am not the only one who feels this way.

If NZ was a human she would be a hot supermodel glinting from a giant billboard in Time Square.. promoted & airbrushed to be all that and a bag of chips, but in reality, vacant & suffering from self hatred, spiritual anxiety & being torn from the inside out by jealously and bickering.

I have lead a very colorful life. And although I may look a certain way from the outside, most are quite shocked when they hear my story. I am very protective of my privacy, but I will give an abridged outline here. I was born in Wellington, an only child to upper middleclass parents, my grandfather a world respected surgeon, who was pivotal in cultivating my love of machines, engineering and how the natural and man-made worlds interact and inspire each other. I attended a private girls school; Samuel Marsden Collegiate School for Girls from just before age 4 until my early teens. I adored school and excelled academically, however my family was torn and pulled apart by violence, deciet, court cases between siblings and trauma. As I became a teen, and wanted to find my own identity, my protective parents blinded by the fear of seeing only qualities within me that mirrored their family member in conflict became exceptionally over protective and violent. This ended up in a complete breakdown of my family with stints living on the streets, at other families home’s and finally when I was sent from my home to foster care. I was one of the first children to use the Independent Youth benefit, and after attending Wellington High School for a year (where I was privileged to have Rob McLeod as my art teacher and where I progressed in the inclusive authentic creative community of WHS) I left 1/4 of the way through 6th form, where I had really only enrolled so I could complete NZ Young Designer of the Year in Christchurch (I came third for Fashion Design) to do the Massey University Foundation Certificate in Design for early entry into college for my BDes degree. I was 15 turning 16.

This part of my life pulled away the veils of what appears to be one thing, but is another, I saw first hand the division between the have’s and have not’s and how those with money could inflict pain and injustice upon others to twist the truth or create stories to fit their own means. I saw how my private school covered up unsightly truths and yet pointed fingers of disgrace to others; “You’re going from the best school in New Zealand to the lowest decile school in the city!!, You will be Head Girl & Dux, if you go there you will be nothing!” my Principal beratted me in her office before leaving. I thrived in the real world outside of the cultivated illusions within the bubble of upper crust education. Going to Wellington High School was the best decision I made for my life up to that point, but I will forever be grateful to Marsden for teaching me how to learn, this was a gift that kept giving.

I am not going to gloss things. I was until 14 the best of the best, but after my family break down I was fed up. Being the best at everything had not helped me I thought- I got bullied, I wasn’t appreciated by my family, it only brought me pain & rejection, so I decided to walk a darker path. And it was incredibly self destructive - I didn’t like to directly hurt others, (but inevitably through collateral damage I did), but I was violently abusive towards myself. Drugs/ sugar/ alcohol/ (although there is another side to this too- nights out dancing at raves also healed me more than any pharmaceutical ever could, and in-fact drove me towards many remedies to wellness), questionable relationships build on foundations of mutual pain, and self hatred carved a void through my soul.

I was living double lives; gifted young woman / torn and fractured identity being ripped apart by an eating disorder, super smart on paper and street smart / couldn’t care myself, sucessful / loooooonely . I had no idea about basic self care, or encouragement to keep with my passions; that was a rebellious move- I remember the career councillor’s opinion when I finally said to her that I would like to be a pilot and artist, was that I couldnt make that work in the real world. I was surrounded by “you can’t’”, “you shouldn’t” and “it won’t happen”. My family’s point of view on my creative endeavors was as frivolous and pointless and that it would benefit me much more to just pick something to make money at, I closed my eyes openly and listened with my heart to trying to do things that healed me; that made me feel complete, but by doing so was labelled a black sheep, a reengage. I might has well been insigting a one person mutiny on my tiny pirate league by the backlash this decision brought at the time. I am eternally grateful to God (so many names we call her) that she got me to listen to that voice because that very long game would bring me to wellness. I was flatting with people in their twenties, partying hard and going to college at 16 but I was very lost.

To rewind into my relationship with food: at about 12ish I had got really sick with a tummy bug. I used to be mercilessly bullied at school- tied to chairs, my stationary distributed along the concrete ledge outside the 2 floors up windows for me to try and retrieve before the end of recess (my outdoor building scaling in a skirt got pretty refined) ; bullied for being smart, bullied for being pretty, bullied for being nice. After I had had a week off with this bug, I had lost a lot of my puppy fat and I went back to school, well skinnier and with a new found confidence. I had lost my softness, but it had also ingratiated me to a dangerous new tool- I LOVE food, but did not come from a family with a good history with it, my Mom has struggled with eating and depressive mental health issues for decades, and this tummy bug showed me two things- I could eat what I loved, I didn’t put on weight, but it also brought into line my very vivid ability to visualize things and the torrent of noise in my mind- especially later in the day as I got more tired… “I’ll do this for a little bit”, I thought, “I’ll keep it under control, just until I am stronger.”

Sadly anorexia and bulimia doesn’t work like that, it becomes a cage for your mind; the more it makes you shameful and afraid, the more it consumes you into a cycle of feeling inadequate and sick. This chapter brought me to suicide and sucked the color from my life for 18 years and it was at its peak when finally there was intervention medically, which made me sicker than I had ever been. The turning point came for me, after returning from the Netherlands to get well, and after getting into OA, that I realized I had to love being sick, quite a contradiction for me at the time. Every other strategy was trying to eliminate something from me. Sick was me, and that was ok. And acceptable. I am terrible and beautiful, humanity is terrible and beautiful; I don’t think you can appreciate beautiful without terrible; I deeply feel that recognizing these paradoxes fundamental to a less judgmental & empathetic understanding of our worlds and how we react within them, it’s also why you see these contrasts mirrored in my artworks. I have recovered from 18 years of begging to just be able to eat three meals, completely dumbfounded as to how someone could eat a plate of pasta, enjoy it, and not get fat, to literally not thinking about food at all. I eat what I like, and what I crave in moderation and balance. My only ‘rule’ is savory before sweet and that there are no ‘bad foods’. I think calorie numbers and health food stars are the devils work, and am incredibly cynical about labelling- eat how our Grandparents ate; predominantly fresh, home cooked and limited shit out of packets.

Sooo off I trotted in my split universe to college, party girl but fragile wee soul into Foundation Cert for Design - Graphic Design (pre Grad). At the competition of this, with top grades, I was told they had changed the terms of enrollment for young people and they would no longer allow me to proceed into my degree.. I fought otherwise, and given my portfolio, was granted entry into the Massey University Bachelor of Design - Industrial Design, as one of only a couple of women. A few years in, I had an altercation with a lecturer who ripped up my project workbook -because it irritated her and was too neat...  I promptly marched, with portfolios in hand to the Victoria University Design campus down the road, and quite literally into the directors office. He was a little taken aback, but was empathetic to my pleas and helped me change my enrollment to their BDes Industrial Design program.

I completed all papers in Industrial Design right up to Major project where by I woke up one day, rolled over and told my lover, “that’s it, I’ve had enough, I’m not redesigning the interior of a washing machine for Fisher & Paykel for the next few years” and proceed to take 6 months off and then start back at Massey University in the Textile Design program. I missed the tactility and femininity of working with fabrics but I wanted to integrate the industrial and machine processed applications I had learnt and mastered in my previous learning. It was wild and exiting times, the program was new, very hands on along with digital pattern development and design and while I partied hard, I also thoroughly enjoyed my school work! In that 6 month break between Massey and Victoria Uni,  I was asked by the Fine Art department of Massey to consider coming with their final years to New York on an art tour (I had taken sculpture as an elective paper over the break). It was a turning point personally, professionally and redirected my desires about what I wanted in my life, and what I felt was missing.

I completed my Textile Design BDes with honors and started freelancing while working at exclusive fashion boutiques. I went on to create a couture fashion collection which included designing the fabrics of the garments with newly available digital printing techniques, + painting, embroidering and embellishing over the top of them. This was exhibited at the exclusive Scotties in Wellington which sold out alongside my idols like Dries Van Noten, Lanvin, Céline by Phoebe Philo. I also had a yardage design sold to an up and coming NZ Fashion label which ran it as their feature design and this set me off on my journey of freelancing. This also allowed me to finance my art; fashionista by day, and making art after hours. A lot of my skills are self learnt under the wing of amazing souls who have taken time to share their passions with me or by being intensely driven to figure things out and see how they work!

As I was coming out of the darkness in my younger years, and finding my way in the world I was raped by the father of my best friend at the time. I was a situation which had ripples for decades; it sligshot’d me back into puddles of shame, guilt and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility which took a decade to unwind. I went on to get engaged to a beautiful human that showed me the power of faith, stood by me while I dragged my out-of-control ass into AA, and three years later, after our break up on to OA as I had become acutely aware that sugar was my main addition issue. During my early twenties after stopping drinking I delved further into my passions for adventurous activities; motorcycling, snowboarding, flying- I use my time without a hangover efficiently! I also discovered that this moving meditation did wonders for my mind, while my body was focused on what it could DO and how strong it is, rather than what it looks like. Intertwined with my physical journeys, my spiritual journeys also became more profound. I started to travel internationally by myself a lot; Australia, Bali, Japan, all around South East Asia, Myanmar, the Netherlands, India, Kashmir.. many more- letting places and experiences guide me and becoming more attuned to following my instincts.

It was then that I met one of the most pivotal loves of my life. He was older and I was not ready. I friend zoned him for nearly half a decade, but through this time, unwaveringly he showed me respect, love, true friendship, empowering positivity and allowed me to spread my wings uninhibited. He also inadvertently showed me love through food. In the early time as business associates, he would invite me for lavish long meals where we would chat for hours, and he would order lots of little plates of yummy delights for me to try; with no pressure or expecation. At the time he was completely unaware of what gift he was sharing with me. He saved my life, but only a few years later I would have the opportunity to do so in return…

Six years ago my world imploded, coinciding with Covid, lockdowns, 2nd pregnancy and my Mom battling pharmaceutical addiction in rehab; any illusion of security I had was shattered. I would be entangled within a broken love afair gone bad between friends, and business partners. I’d watch a billionaire unleash his power, to wipe any stain of truth, or the opportunity for it to be aired away, to a point of madness… and this is ongoing hunting my family in the USA..The saddest and most destructive of ‘divorces’; you cannot hate what you did not love. Corruption, fear, malice, possessiveness.. I think most would agree that after what I have experienced in my life I should be able to hate the world and what people can do to each other, yet I don’t. I don’t for a few reasons, I understand the murky underworld of emotional reactions and how these powerful sensations can drive us to do mad things, and because even within the darkest of hours, if we ask for help, there are incredible miracles & people who come to help and guide us. I also feel we go through our experiences for a reason; we make choices that get us in them, we have parts to play, and we can choose if we let people (and ourselves) steal our joy- if we do that, it is a very dangerous path as quite literally, our world becomes poisoned to appear that way… and my girls. There is an incredible strength instilled in us as parents when we bring little ones into the world.. I pledged an oath to protect mine & provide them happy life as much as I can, and come Heaven or Hell nothing will impede me.

Assumptions collated from my outward appearance as to what type of woman I am, in most cases are misinterpreted, or 2 dimensional based on the day. Yet, I have to insert a side note here that in New York, people are much more gracious towards each other by not judging each other so overtly. Although I may have started off in upper crust this start did not afforded me any privilege, leniency or greased my path. I am self made, and self evolving. On the bones of my ass for most of it, what I have earnt, I reinvest into developing; but being an artist teaches you interesting things, a great one being that bank accounts and personalities are not defined by each other, and that being unbridled by money and more interested in ideas makes one powerfully innovative. I turned up to the US, like many other immigrant women before me, with $5K, heavy with responsibilities, two big eyed toddlers staring at me for guidance and provision, and filled with wild ass big dreams + a determination to build a life to be proud of; for my babies, yes, but for that big dreaming girl from a small town at the bottom of the world who for a good portion of her life, couldn’t get to those ideas before she conquered the ones of being able to eat eggs and bacon for breakfast.

Extra yada yada.. I completed to teacher certificate in playing the violin, and similar gradings in tap and jazz dancing which lead to successes in theatre and drama. I studied Japanese, introductory Russian, intro aerospace engineering and have an ongoing interest in non-alphabetic orthographies. I really enjoy learning the basics of a new language when travelling and do my best to try it out on the poor accomodating souls that I encounter. I love sharing healing through creative workshops, which I conduct formally with my travels and informally with persons when needed. I think we greatly underestimate the power of even the smallest of our interactions in our days and that these are not coincidental; a smile and chat with the rubbish collector, and the postie and our neighbors, the coffee dude, someone cutting us off on the 495; how we make these ‘little’ ripples make much more powerful larger ones, and these accumulate to paint out lives. My resourcefulness has lead me to create for my own companies, established organisations, mavericks, a European billionaire, non profit’s, royalty, solo on self made opportunities or as a team member of up-to-the-elbows-multi-day-no-sleeper creative tornados. My creations are found in collections around the globe and collected by patrons internationally.

Ok, I feel you, it’s a lot, hang in here with me, you might see how this comes to be important if you make it to the conclusion of this page if you are still reading and interested, because everything is interlinked, and what I came from is integrally a part of who I have become and what drives me. (God knows why you want to see inside my mind, it’s squiggly, but there you go… my life is not perfect and I am not touting any way to live; I do want to instill a sense of hope though. I have overcome unusual things using creativity as a device to help my mind and spirit, and I have shared this with others who also have benefited greatly from these techniques & ideas)

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I am a passionate creative. I thrive on connection, stimulation, and growth via exploration. My accomplishments are diverse, yet on close inspection you will find there are key underlying principals and consistencies. The two most prominent are my attention to detail and precision execution delivered through focus and vision.

‘Moena Moxham’ is a pseudonym for my creative personalities and expressions. Creativity is an outlet for me to process my emotions. I personally identify as her, him & they, but as Moena Moxham I am more exclusively her. I love to indulge my different energies in activities that I find feed different parts of my psyche. Some may call some of these masculine, and others define them as more feminine. Personally I prefer to remove the labels (who made these labels anyway??) and redefine through my actions what energy I assimilate with. In a way, I feel all the fight to push agains labels is actually reinforcing them more…. I’m not interested in this; I’m interested in what resonates for me. I am talented at being able to do things, but inter-personal relationships, and emotions were not my specialty for a long time. What you see here is how I have found ways to understand these while also streamlining my thinking and decision making. Buuuut if you happen upon me in my natural habitat, I most likely will be immersed in figuring out, or making something very complex.

When my thoughts become too noisy, and I become tired of the tennis match between the questions and answers in my head, I head into physical activities to look after myself and to slip into a less ego driven realm. Most often to drive, fly, walk, motorcycle, solo-travel and recharge my soul by experiencing new environments. Sometimes people mis-judge my love for ‘extreme’ activities as a desire for recklessness, when it is quite the opposite. It is actually a detailed process of risk assessment and a way for me to address the immediate while setting my noisy internal monologue in a side room. These activities also indulge my assertiveness, or shall we say, make me have to be assertive in order to survive. My compulsion to investigate new situations provides me fresh, unique and dynamic perspectives upon how to live, how to do things and how to think. Immersion within new cultures and critical analysis of my own introspection are essential components to my creative process which is broken into three phases; explore | reflect | create. My life is art- a life that I consciously craft and of which I am intuitively drawn to.

I love riding through windies on my motorbike at speed not just for speed itself, but because if I get the process and speed in a sweet spot, the smoothness; the interconnectedness of linking my turns perfectly (this is mirrored for me in snowboarding, flying, painting, creating music, embroidery…) becomes moving meditation; I mentally shift into a different room. In this space my mind is evaluating & prioritizing immediate risks or actions, not projected ones, while I am dancing as one with my machine creating moving calligraphy within the landscape. The glory of the resulting smoothness and transitions of these lines is completely my responsibility and there is liberation in the singularity & high consequence of this process. It seems high level creativity likes anxiety; which makes sense really as it’s the ability to project problems, but I’ve found that anxiety also is soothed by the immediacy of high level problem solving. My ego; the me/ myself/ and I’s, and my Mum radar are checked by being forced to make committed simplified choices which keep me alive, and I am humbled by being confined by my skill level and mental state of the day. I have to be conscious of what I can and cannot do or how much room there is to push to or beyond my perceived limits, or how calm I am that day. Some days, it just ain’t there and that’s ok. I find a relief in being able to sit down at this point and be like ‘nup! OK! so perhaps it’s a sunbathe/ movie in bed?!’

I’m a very fast snail- you snort but let me explain- I move around at quite a tremendous speed- literally by all the means possible: motorbike, aeroplane, car, snowboard and foot. I love wakeboarding, jet skiing, speedboats and hydro foiling- if it moves me I’ll try it! I wish I had an internal odometer mounted on my breastbone- the miles I cover! An odometer clocking the travels of my soul and of my inexhaustible curiosity with the world. I like to bounce between interaction and solo activities, and adore meeting others and sharing knowledge and experiences while simultaneously learning how to be a better human.

My literal speed is quite in contrast with my psychological one. I savour my life and get lost within the minute details of which I take great pleasure. I am sensationally romantic within the aesthetics of being at a specific time. This has at periods caused great constance to those around me who would have liked me to harness my talents and use them towards a more conservative linear delivery of creativity. “You better stop playing around and stick to one thing.” they would say… “You better make a life from all that talent”- oh no pressure eh- it’s quite a package to wrangle. I can understand that the little pebbles of my skills and activities must have looked quite frivolous to those from the outside, but within myself I knew deep down that each investment was important for my story. Evidentially I wouldn’t give up ‘playing’, actually I think it's IMMENSELY important to keep doing, and I’ve carved rather interesting channels with my talent. I can’t ‘stick to one thing’- like my art; like Life, I am volumes of many different interlinked & detailed chapters. There is a seasonality to my collections that mirror cultural trends and tastes of the moment. What I am doing and making is a reflection of myself and the world at a particular time.

There are different facets to my creativity which are influenced by sexuality; the intensity of this energy, my soul’s orientation towards physical & spiritual attraction, my moral direction towards these powers, my ownership over how I share this, how periods of abstinence increase creativity, and my primal desire to watch things grow and to nurture, are attributes that instantly come to mind. My passionate nature + the attention my physical appearance affords me has been a complicated gift- one that has been roses; long, perpetrating painful thorns included. I feel there are particular elements associated to being able to create as a woman and how this is impacted by the hormonal rollercoaster we ride. In my experience, this ebb and flow is integrally intertwined with our qualities of being ultimate creators, but this honour comes with intense fluctuating emotional challenges that require a multitude of different types of care & open-mindedness. A lot of the activities I love to do have parallels with climatic pleasure- the adrenaline of a perfectly executed chase of cat & mouse through heavy traffic, the sensuous vibrations of playing the violin resonating through my heart and breasts, the sensation of bringing an airplane higher and higher to the point of stall… It is primal & sensual delving into both adrenaline & deep creativity. Both wax and wane; are unsustainable at high intensity and volatile in essence. As in nature, beauty lies in the irresistibility of impermanence.

I am drawn to imperminant & transient sensations, experiences, things and feelings. I find them fascinating because they are elusive. As my self-awareness has expanded, I have realised that the joy of seeking for and indulging in these ephemeral moments is what drives & excites me. I love to love; I love to be excited and sometimes I find that excitement and scared are kinda the same sensation entwined with each other. I see the beauty in things which other’s overlook. I enjoy creating things which don’t endure in a traditional manner like painting or hard sculpture does; edible art, experiences with others, moments in time with my children and friends; a passing giggle with a random encounter, zipping through traffic, a bolt of visual authenticity, a conversation... My entire life has been filled with the excitement of relishing and becoming more aware of how to appreciate pleasure without it becoming destructive- however, this too is part of creation. The cycle of growth, blossoming, multiplication of self and then death is mirrored everywhere in Nature. I like to ride out these chapters of creation which flow with this cycle, part is my love for the unusual, a portion is because I am mercurial and love to celebrate the different characters within me- my fashion selection is a reflection of this, and chunk is my driving curiosity to see;' to experience first hand and to be humbled to redevelop. You might laugh at what I see as a transient sensation too.. yes there are the initial ones that come to mind, some racy, some dangerous, but then there are others like a clean kitchen, dying my hair, having a tan or being fit… nothing lasts forever, although I feel memories can be some of the most profound impressions we can treasure (yet inherently unreliable illusions!). I think feeling pressured by the worlds obsession for tangible things also makes me want to rebel against this too; I want to give something that can’t be taken off someone, a memory which can be a treasure hidden within them if they so choose- something deeply personal and special.

I have always been very detail oriented (it’s not perfectionism, it’s a little bit different, yes, you can laugh- I’ve given this a lot of thought), but learnt at a young age that a beneficial application of this skill was to reflect it inwards & learn to acknowledge, recognise & orginise my internal world. While my friends were focussed on money, careers & buying their first home, I was zeroed in on balancing my health, creativity and becoming a worldly individual. I also had a lot to dig myself out of in order to be a healthy humming woman. I remember at a young age wanting a vibrant movie of a life; a rainbow of experiences- but in my naïvety I didn’t realise by asking for this it included being broken and rebuilt to achieve this. Learning about things doesn’t make life easier, I don’t think anyone in any situation has it ‘easy’, but I do think we can choose what we want to highlight at any particular point, and that’s powerful, because that really becomes your life. I’ve always wanted to learn about who I am and how to do many things; I’m very curious! I didn’t want to just be the ‘pretty girl’ painted on the planes, I want to be the strong, vibrant soul flying the plane (or helicopter as the case is!). My competitive streak is at full play against myself; I want to beat my odds, push the limits of what I set for myself and become the woman I envision.

At times I am energised by external chaos, but in contrast my internal filing system is most definitely Japanese. I get lost in daydreams into different rooms in my head with different projects in them, and I believe that it is within this skill, that I have cultivated the skill to juggle so many different projects at once. If you do find me a little faded out- I might be mentally sitting in my igloo watching snowflakes or literally outside lying down watching clouds and guessing what creatures they are with my kidlets!

I endeavour to make decisions with heart and follow through with these with vibrancy, purpose and grace. I have a noisy conscious & moral compass. Guilt attached to poor decisions can have a profound effect upon me, especially as my great memory can get stuck on replay. As with us all, even though my heart might be in the right place, my decisions do not always play out well and it is within the ‘I could have done better’s’ and regrets that I find solace in making something lovely. These things are like my apology to the Universe; “I’m sorry I fucked up” they say.. “I see my mistake. Here is something beautiful from my soul as an offering.”

In the age of self promotion and drive to capatilize off talent, and coming from a culture where success is primarily measured by financial wealth, it has been a journey to accept my success and who I am on my terms and measure. At times I felt guilty and frivolous about being on a primarily spiritual journey; anxious and unnerved because I don’t fit in a box (and don’t want to be), and I’m definitely not driving in one lane. It wasn’t really intentional, it’s a by-product of figuring myself out. At times I feel uneasy being fluid within a world that I feel more and more wants to be able to define, streamline and ultimately market me. I compared myself to commercially successful heavy hitters (stars, social media personalities, famous artists) and saw only shortfalls instead of celebrating my uniqueness, until I realized that my indefinability is actually my super-power. * side note * Shouldn’t we talk more about the challenges of what and how creativity comes about and the challenges that arise from this endless cycle of exposing one’s soul? Shouldn’t we celebrate the bravery it takes be guided by by the crazy undulations of passionate descision making in a world which wants to whittle us down to a hashtag, a highlight or a reel? I do feel that social media has a very big part to play in igniting anxiety about our choices. Whether we like it or not, we are hit with so many obvious and subliminal messages about what is the ‘right’ way to live, or what is true or valid purpose- it can be an immensely noisy world to exist in and find the courage to be authentic.

I guard my privacy, and enjoy my anonymity greatly. I don’t gel naturally with social media, and although I enjoy sharing tid-bits of my life & my daughters growing up, I don’t want it to be an open book. My friends value my discreteness too- in my world, people would prefer not to have their locations, assets or names broadcast. I adore being Mom and I love being social. My default nature of being a loner is offset by loving being Mommy where I revel in doing fabulous, extravagant, adventurous things with my friends & daughters. I re-energise by freely travelling where I wish and like the responsibility of my own choices; especially when I am luxuriating somewhere exotic, adventuring or ‘lost’ somewhere up a mountain in the snow, flying somewhere last minute, shopping for unique treasures, or in south east Asia squatting on a tiny plastic chair eating offal from a street vendor with a motorbike behind me and a backpack strapped to it.

A few moons ago, I was engaged to a beautiful human, but our relationship didn’t work out and we broke up before our wedding (which was in the process of laboriously being organised for the 2nd time). My other half ‘un-engaged’ us on Facebook and returned back to being a status of ‘single’. What we didn’t realise was that it would notify all of our connections of this change. The next morning I woke to a tsunami of messages and enquiries. It was so overwhelming, at an already low point (and at a nauseating collision of multiple negative events) I was at horrible point of despair. Over the next days as I started to resurface.. I became very angry that a DIGITAL, unsubstantial thing could hurt me so much. I swore off social media for years afterwards and vowed to never let a program emotionally influence me in such a way. I wrote the poem ‘Digital Torture’ at that time.

Slowly as the years progressed, I crawled out of my self imposed ban on social media, although even today I don’t like investing too much time into it- I want to be present in my real world (but where has this blurred line moved to?) And maybe that disdain impacts in some way; even though I have cool stuff on there, and it looks neat, I don’t have a gazillion followers, and I don’t get a skillion views ( I also seem to have a bit of an issue with instagram since I moved countries- can anyone help?!). It may be that it’s just not my vibe and the collective conscious senses that. I have had people make comments like “well you can’t be that successful because you don’t have huge following” or “oh, you are just fledgling”… actually, I’m out DOING things with real humans, and I don’t really give a shit about ‘targeting a demographic’ - I do what I need to be happy, to progress; to find my joy and explain my discontent. There have been moments, even recently (which compelled me to add this to my About page) when I have had yearnings of sadness because a reel I have worked hard on has got five views. And it made me uncomfortable; it made me a bit mad actually.

Us human beans have been making and creating for millennia. 20 years ago, most artists did not really have anyone looking at their work unless they photographed, video taped or submitted actual portfolios to real humans to view. Did they feel lesser because no-one liked?? No-one instantly took a geese? NO. Was what they created valuable? YES. I feel that the value lies in what it does to the individual’s mind, sense of wellbeing and ability to positively progress into the next phase of life while being present in the right here and now, not the what happened or was behind. Have our ego’s become so fragile that we need too get high off another’s impression to justify what we do? There is a relief and pleasure in creating, and sharing it with those that are lucky enough to come in contact, or not at all and just kept aside for our own satisfaction. It is important to celebrate our gifts for no other reason than we were given them to enjoy. In my opinion, having no follows, no views, or no likes does not impact significance, but it’s a tough swirly world of emotions to navigate. Our value should not be impacted by others impressions of what we do- our value toward what we do is created within ourselves and our trust in the Universe (God, Goddesses, a power bigger than us little amoebas) that we are precious enough in any state….. It’s a weird process innit.. there are so many contradictions- I try and simplify it here: be kind, have fun, see the funny side, protect your dreams and ffs- keep on going- for yourself. HUG.

Am I against digital media or AI? NO! Not at all, I think there is validity in all of it, but I do veer more to wanting to support and celebrate the human mind and the process of physical creation. AI can mock up that background to look like it’s somewhere different, and it can make things that don’t really exist, or filter people into situations they aren’t, but nothing, nothing will ever mimic what actually DOING things does to your soul; the feeling of actually interacting with others - of looking into someones eyes and being excited by their reactions; what it means to really make things from scratch, and have them fail and then to keep pushing yourself to strive to be better. This is a major theme in my work, I am fascinated with the human experience, and that’s not to say experiencing AI is not a human experience, it is- I’m kind of interested in how this all intermingles, but yes, I prioritize realness & authenticity. I have always thought that the investment of love into making something, just makes it resonate a little different- like you can make a macaron with a machine, and you can make them by hand- but I feel the latter just hits a little different, with a little more power, a little pazing; a little more magic.

I cannot deny myself my visions and need to make things- they are a part of my growth. I feel very privileged that my life allows me to demand time to complete these cycles without being confined by other’s expectations of my creative production. For any artist this is a massive luxury. You may say, I am uninhibited to invest in any passion project my heart desires- yet let’s be clear, this is tough, I fight to be unconstrained, it’s not by chance I have this luxury and it is not an easy process in any shape or form. It takes an enormous amount of time, planning and thinking, and THEN there is the process of creation. I also make really, really hard choices to protect my freedom to create… but, I’ve fucked myself in the process of doing this many times too. In order to have the time to be able to create; to be able to get well, at times I had to put fundamental reposnisbilites into other peoples hands; not being a primary earner, the management of finances etc.. and this is tough. As an artist my sense of freedom is very important to me, but at times I have had to sacrifice so much for this that it became an oxymoron in that I was free in some aspects, but deeply restrained and shackled in others.

Time has been an interesting value for me. It took me a long time as a child to care about it. I remember being about 10 or so and my teachers bringing up that I couldn’t grasp it and my Dad saying, “well, at some point it will drop into place”. I didn’t see the point. I’d be up and going as fast as a I could regardless- my tank was either full or empty, day or night. As I have got older, this infinite continuum running in parallel & intertwined with me is of utmost value. My time and my respect for others is very, very important, and I hold it in the highest esteem. Waste or disrespect this at your own peril. I am non-judgemental and compassionate towards many of the shades grey’s in life, but when it comes to this quality I am very particular.

I am adept at creating beautiful expressions from negative occurrences & the process of growth. It is within this skill that the variety of my techniques + methodology makes sense. I progress and so does my art through the ability to adapt and reinvent. As a butterfly advances through the stages of metamorphosis, so do I with pain, confusion and fear. This process starts with an uneasy sensation which I feel in the fringes of my stomach/ rib cage, and the realisation of what I have done grows and tickles on the edge of my conscious until I stare at it straight, turn it over and unpack with all the pieces out in-front of my mind’s eye. That’s pretty affronting. It is awkward & raw getting up close and personal with my failings and shortfalls, and the responsibilities I have within the choices I have chosen. I then try to understand where the lumpiness around it has come from, what emotion is driving my discontent and where the prickliness has now become uncomfortable. What I create during this metamorphosis becomes a physical meditative practise that runs in parallel with my mental activity. My fingers or body moves while my mind undoes little knots and chains of my conundrum. It is only once I have exhausted myself mentally and physically while carrying my new technical methodology to a point of mastery, that I complete a collection. Some of the past ones have been ink drawings, paintings, bronze sculptures, textile/fashion collections and recently complicated patisseries. I am, and always was, a butterfly. One that can transform, not once but repeatedly to shine beautiful in a world which increasingly needs beauty for no other reason than it is uplifting, joyful and sublime.

Although from the outside it may seem that I am fearless, I am in-fact fearfull, It’s just that I do not want to allow fear to hold me back from what I want to achieve. I’m also have an unusual fear balance- whereby things that most people find easy, I have struggled with, and things which seem terrifying to the general populous, are not an issue for me. We are all facing challenges. Facing fears is an undertaking on an infinite travelator, which can make me feel both inspired and defeated at the same time, but it’s who I meet in the process that makes it all worthwhile. I have learnt that wonderful things happen when I confront what is upsetting and holding me back, but that they also morph and grow in new areas with age. By engaging with these roadblocks and learning how to sublimate through them, I have become more skilled at accepting and loving them. I now see these lumps less as an imposition and more as an opportunity to bloom (yes, sigh.. it’s a little cheezy- get some crackers). This is not to say though at times I don’t feel ready for the challenge and I may put off unpacking a particular bundle. Eventually however I have to return and sit down with it- there is an inevitability once I have seen my truth.

I did not drive until I was 26 (I was petrified of hurting someone else, but I also grew upon a city where everyone walks to get where they wanna go- Yep- New York, I understand that’s a rather hard concept to come to terms with lol), although at University in my early teens, I had no understanding of nutrition, self-love and care. I was scared of travel, scared of changing lightbulbs, confused about balancing (or not balancing!) the girl and boy in me, overwhelmed by the thoughts and desires to live in new places and create big things and was completely crap at being able to manage looking after myself for a long time. I shook in my boots when I found out I was pregnant. Most of all, I was terrified by the enormity of my dreams and how to achieve them, and completely unaware that I could confidently & purposely paint these wonderful things for myself. In my life, it was incredibly important that I created a relationship with a power bigger than my ego. I’m not in control of everything, and really how great would that be anyway, because it seems to me, that all the extraordinary things that come into my life, are really quite out of my control to a certain extent (love, babies, chance connections, brilliant ideas, rainbows..). It’s essential for me to have a someone; an energy, a concept, a support field that I can release my thoughts to. There is a fascinating connection between thoughts, positivity, desire, action, faith, confidence & determination.

Some of my greatest assets and passions have been my most painful obstacles; an exceptional memory, a noisy and busy mind, being smart & capable, introversion, an irrepressible desire to want to explore. In many instances I have been incredible terrible at what I have become proficient in but through dedication, tenacity and focus I have found positive and productive outlets to convert these challenges to triumphs. I have overcome abuse inflicted and reflected within, and then expelled on others, and come to understand how this pattern can repeat itself if left unsorted. I have embraced the squiggly unpredictable roller coaster of a creative mind and learnt how to ride the highs, lows and encyclopaedic index of heeby-jeebies that come with this blessing. I have changed careers more than a handful of times, blown one up publicly to save the life of another person, have been a dooshbag and learnt from my mistakes, kept my sense of integrity, even if battered at times, and consciously chosen to not conform to behavior within industries that have subjugated women (in particular, but people at large) for decades- fine art scene, I’m giving you side-eye.

Yes, you may want to use the label eccentric; a Free Spirit, out-there; a mystic (that’s quite a compliment really), and yep, I’m often on an unconventional route. Although from the outside I might seem like a tough cookie, I’m not; it’s actually within my fragility that my strength is found. I am quite picky about where I’m allocating my fucks and where I will call bullshit… and I get that this can sometimes give me an air of aloofness (which in-fact is most likely me feeling shy, socially awkward, tired or an uncomfortable trifecta of all three). There can be a lot of pressure and responsibility that comes from choosing to live my way- there is no-one else to blame, I’ve unhooked from the IV of a salary (yep that’s an addictive drug right there), my choices go against general conformity, and the challenges I face can come with less publicised answers… but I’m not special within this, our pain is univeral & shared (and I would raise my hand to say that in a lot of ways it is this that connects up together more than the romantic notion of love). 89% of the time I can sleep at night with my selections & I prioritise simple pleasures which is a mindful tactic that keeps me on an even keel when everything else goes off kilter.

One of the greatest luxuries of my life is that I get to quietly help others. I love that organically through following my passions; by pinpointing what makes me fizz (and flip out), I help others find things that make their souls sing too which also brings them understanding and solace. There is a deluge of misinformation happening swaying people into all sorts of unnecessary anxiety about quite basic things; follow the money. Often problems can be simplified and undone by stripping things back to the beginning or the basic components; we don’t need regimes, expensive products, or supplements in many forms.. we have a lot of the skills and abilities within ourselves to rectify our problems, we just have a tendency to over complicate them or want an easy fix. Good things take time, dedication & effort. In my opinion, I feel it is a privilege to watch someone’s story unfold; to be present to hear their dreams, and to sit with them when they share their pain, especially if they have not had the opportunity to share this before. I am deeply humbled and grateful to the amazing people who have listened to me, prodded me in new directions, loved me and/ or wildly opened my eyes with honesty.

In March 2018 and 2020, I embarked on my two favourite glorious chapters as Mommy to my beautiful daughter’s Adira Isla and Darzia Sanaa. By far, these little munchkins are my favourite ‘Bosses’ and we get up to all sorts of artistic and adventurous impishness together! They also challenge, teach and humble me daily. Darzia Sanaa - Darzi means daring = पुरुषार्थin Hindi and Sanaa is Arabic for brightness /radiance. Adira Isla - Adira is Hebrew for strong/ noble/ powerful and Isla in Gaelic means bright one or shining one.

In 2017 I was delighted to be invited to Amman to attend a private audience with His Majesty King Abdullah II & Her Majesty Queen Rania of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan, where I was able to discuss a business project of my design in person with His and Her Majesty. My artwork 'Mandala' was purchased as a gift which I personally presented to the King and Queen.  

I love my epic memories; my babies taking their first breaths & our first glimpses into each other’s eyes, the first time taking off & landing an aeroplane, falling in love with flying helicopters and being able to fly one into New York for my birthday for high tea at Bergdorf Goodman on my birthday, snowboarding off the highest gondola in Asia (located in Gulmarg, Kashmir) with Indian army militia accompanying me with assault rifles on my gondola trips, motorbike road trips around Japan to onsens down corkscrew highways on stilts in the moonlit wee hours of the morning, midnight snowmobile races across a frozen lake to a midnight wazwan feast on top of Kongori Mountain with the men who looked after it, all while sandwiched in the middle of a war between India and Kashmir. Chewing betel and nightclubbing around New Delhi into days that became nights that became days again.., driving my parents in the middle of the night in their pj’s to show them my newly fixed differential in my Morris Minor in New Zealand… which ended up in me overlooking how much petrol was in the car due to my excitement- sorry Mom & Dad, it was a very embarrassing push down the motorway we won’t forget. Skinny-dipping off float planes, swimming with phosphorescence & dolphins, flying inverted in an Extra 300L over Wadi Rum, meteor showers & the Southern Lights over Lake Ōhau in South Island New Zealand. Solo motorbike road trips through Myanmar, Cambodia, London, Japan, and other exotic locations, running my finger over the soft skin of my lover and watching the goosebumps rise in the pale patches of Winter sunlight dancing on their body through the shadows of a kowhai tree... Multi-day music festivals in Aotearoa with my little Morris Minor car ‘Maria’, mind expansive journeys meeting souls of past lives, a perfect batch of macaron fresh from the oven risen with delicate frilly feet, the sitting tree at the top of the Cable Car, cherry blossom season in Tokyo, eating fire ants & holy basil in Cambodia, being Au Pair in Tokyo to two of the most special little girls you can ever meet, meeting my bestie from age 4 in New Zealand, now us both grown women in New York laughing with reckless abandon and flagrant disregard to the tiply-topply bar stools we are perched on. Three day Thingyan celebrations on motorbike around the castle moat in Mandalay, dawn breaking at the first place in the world to see the light, then on a different trip atop of temples in Bagan & Angkor Wat, in Rappongi bleary eyed after dancing the night away VIP with a Swedish boy band. My daughters’ first Broadway show and the pure delight on their little faces, spiritual realignment in Ubud while watching a pig being gutted on the side of the road for a celebration, Flashlight on Mt Victoria, a surprise encounter on New Years in Amsterdam, hiking solo to the summit of Ruapehu & snowboarding down.. and doing it all over again straight after. Smoking and talking politics with some of the brightest 85 year old female minds in New Delhi into the wee hours of the nights, motorbike adventures repairing my friendship with my Dad, Halloween at Shibuya crossing… and the painful ones too, some too much to write: loosing a baby, foster care in my teens, looking after elderly to their time of passing, toxic family dynamics, that just-shy-of 2 decade long eating disorder which dragged me to search for exit strategies, rape, starting from scratch - sooo many times broke and existing on dreams, including turning up to the USA, self hatred & sabotage, lost love, and broken relationships. Big volumes of intense moments; of beautiful, vibrant faces, smells, sensations, feelings and instances, all cherished within me, although some laminated with finger marks smeared upon from years of pulling them out, and others delicately wrapped in tissue paper and boxed with keys.

Some of my hurdles have nearly killed me, I’m not saying that lightly, and others professionals have said would be insurmountable. Yet although I have been dealt some complicated hands, I have also learnt, that I am equally the maestra of my masterpieces as I am of my mess. I love hearing “it can’t be done”- there is always a way, it may take many years (stop counting; honestly people ask me how long some of the things I do take me to make- if I knew, I would never make them! it’s a ridiculous amount of time, preempted by a lot of plotting and planning, and totally daunting when I add it up) but there is alwaaaaays a way, it just depends how tenacious I am to keep fighting for what I dream. I have made profound sacrifices to be the healthy, effervescent human I am. I wanted to write that my suffering has been in balance with my success, but this isn’t true, it has been hard, painful, against intense criticism, with many hurdles and I have slid into rock bottom more than once, and I have been broke most of my life. But, I also think this has gifted me a unique voice and perspective.. perhaps in this life I needed to be broken to be able to speak the language of pain and love and healing through what I make and create -a Kintsugi human. And you learn that broke really means nothing in that it won’t stop you from making things happen; money is like water it flows, although lets be realistic, as we get older it is really lovely to have a few puddles now and then, or a trickling stream and not be slogging though the desert. Faith in a God(dess)’s (again, insert many, many different names in here), my dreams, human connection, responsibility, and an enduring determination has got me to where I am now and it has been on my own terms, in my own time & way by piecing together information I gather, by asking questions to the Universe and & listening to the answers that pop up in my heart & mind. By accepting, forgiving and recognizing the trauma I was exposed to and experienced, and by cherishing my interactions/ connections/ friendships with other unique, authentic wonder-kids sailing these wild ass life seas.

I don’t like bullies, and I don’t like lies, I really don’t like people being repressed and taken advantage of .. I also don’t have a lot of enduring tolerance for fakeness, perhaps because I watched the loves of my life try and convince themselves that the were ok- my family, my school, my country, myself …. it may now become more apparent how being faced with hypocrisy, fractured identity problems and lack of spiritual direction why my life took the path it did, because I too had these issues & I was a mirror to my environment. By choosing my truths, facing my dilemma’s and by being brutally honest I have found my places of redemption; but its pushed against the mainstream, my NZ community & home country’s beliefs, my family’s values and my own perceptions in every way possible. There is no magical team with me, I am a one woman show- what you see has been created by me- from the website to the art, and frankly it’s tough, hard work. Long hours, and many, many hurdles, but is my life rewarding- yes. Is it filled with amazing experiences, yes, there are big challenges highlighted by joy, but just like every other Mom out there, there are times when I am completely overwhelmed, strung out and immensely overloaded.

Are my creations valuable or frivolous? Well, in a way they are both. Creating gives me time for personal reflection, & meditation which is incredibly valuable for me, and whoever I come in contact with as I am a better person for it. What I can create can be completely pointless on a world scale, but immensely important on a personal one to the person viewing or receiving. Are those negative snide comments dangerous or benign? I would argue they are pure poison.. what do you think of my antidotes? .. Like a butterfly, some of the things I make exist for a teeny blip of time, but can bring immense delight within this short timeframe, and a lasting effect on a person’s mood or impressions of the world & their place in it.

So “What do I do?”. I flourish. With resilience, tenacity and in challenging conditions I thrive. My true value is not what I create, but that I harness my fears to re-generate. What kind of artist am I? I dip my brush, my hands, my thoughts into my soul and paint my essence into everything I touch. My creations are the psychoanalytical manifestations of travelling on the conduit between my thoughts, desires, pains & pleasures and the spiritual tendency fields. These ephemera may be invisible lines through traffic, they may be a delight you can eat, it could be a sculpture to hold in your hand, my caress, or that you get to indulge in the offbeat combination of colours and textures I am wearing. It could be that we make art together, or that you receive a handwritten note from me. Perhaps you are blessed to meet my most powerful creations; my daughters. Ultimately I hope that in most instances, my presence has been a blessing. There is a wise old saying which says, “in the end, no one remembers what you said or did, but they do remember how you made them feel”. I hope that I am remembered less for what I make, and most for the warmth & effervescence I bring.

Above all, I love encouraging others to stare fear down head on and get up and out doing what they adore. So get at it, take a deep breath, eyeball your dread, wrap yourself in it and fill up on it, because once you can nail that to the wall, you’ll be able to see behind it- here’s a virtual HUUUG, lets take a moment, it’s a big step- it will be ok, I still feel nervous too, they’re slippery little suckers- it’s intimidating staring at your terror & wanting to fight for dreams that may or may not happen, but I can assure you, you’ll feel much better if you at least give them the light of day to not whither and disappear into the ‘I wish that I could have’ pile to be covered with the negativity of others and your own whisperings. Turn off watching other people’s dreams playing out (Insta, Facebook.. ) and dedicate your thoughts to what is your greatness, it may not look like other’s. Dreams and desires are your’s for a reason, they are given to you because you can do it, you can make them blossom and you have the ability to find the resources and connections to make them happen. Go have some fun- you. deserve. a. life. filled. with, it! Find that prickly bubble that’s sitting inside and gently, but properly take a look at it. It needs aroha, a generous sprinkling of this and slowly the fear will melt away and a new path to a better way will appear.

With Kindness,

Alexandra aka Moena Moxham - December 2024

𓍯𓂃𓏧♡

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